Wednesday, October 7, 2015

T.Notes #12: Milestones for the broken hearted

Who are we deceiving, these are not good times.

There’s a certain release that comes from taking a literal pause to acknowledge your pain.
I have previously just carried on as normal, with the occasional wince.
But some day, it all comes crashing down as if reality is grabbing your neck and forcing you to acknowledge that life intends to break you.

I understood for a moment why it's called a broken heart
That jarring feeling of walking through the pages of your life and realizing that the clatter beneath every step are the million pieces of your shattered heart,
Being reduced to smitterings with every day of unmet expectations.

Sometimes the ironic and cliche is the truth - even more so for the cynic at heart,
The boys that insist to the world that they have become men,
And so God forbid that stray tear that dare trickle down the stubble of your manly beard.

I have read that hope deferred makes the heart sick - i think sick is a gross understatement of the truth.
I have heard of people who shake clinched hateful, yet faithful fists up to the heavens, i don't judge them.

Who are we deceiving, these are not good times.
And the biggest challenge is carrying on as if everything were alright.
Afteral, it only just life.

How do you deal with "life"?

Wednesday, September 30, 2015

T.Notes #11: Boys II Men

I haven't written in a while. Blog scribbles do not count....

I'm often awake till early mornings. Many times with YouTube or radio playing in the background. And since google has become some sort of mood reader, YouTube recommended tonight that i listen to some good ole Boys II Men classics. Ofcourse i obliged and journeyed back to those fantastic 90's. Allowing the playlist to skip along from One sweet Day, to Water runs dry, Seasons of Loneliness, End of the road...Fine times those days were! Memory is truly a gift, and music is a wonder. Each song easily flung open rusty gates to old memories and silly childish emotions from way back. Teenage crushes, first kisses, big afros and baggy jeans all wrapped up in the dawning of hip hop and extremely emotive R&B music.

Talking about random memories.....The Fugees - Killing me softly, (oh my days!) was a hit at abouts my JSS3. I remember that we used to have these 'class parties' towards the end of each school term, and it was fierce competition for which class threw the best party. The key formular ofcourse being your music and the girls in attendance. Lamide was the rave of the time in JSS3. Tall, slim, perfect ebony Lamide was the first to hit the puberty mark, and so transformed into a perky breasted, short skirted goddess to the awe testosterone drunk teenage boys.

Lamide was so amazing, that it was considered a privilege to spend all of your "tuck-shop" money on her at lunch time, then go hungry, in return for a very short-lived glory of walking hand-in-hand with her during recess. That hand would literally be sacred until you get back to the privacy of your room and a jar of vaseline.....But anyways, that particular class party was banging. Dr Dre & Snoop Dog (Next episode), was all up in the mix, until suddenly the music stopped....and then, The Fugees crooning "Killing me softly", took over the blaring speakers in perfect cue to Lamide's ever sensational entrance - with her groupie entourage in tow.

Probably my only significant achievement of my secondary school days, equal in no proportion to Moses' parting of the red sea, as an ocean of salivating teenage boys literaly gave way to allow Lamide saunter in and march right up to yours truly chilling coyly in one corner. Smart guy that i was, i had invested a significant amount of lunch money, in return for a first dance. And boy did she know how to slow dance that song....

Life was easier growing up. And yes, it's probably just me gone tone-deaf but sometimes i do think the music was better those days with fine lyrics that had a certain level of depth - for love or cannabis induced. Things were simpler in a comfortable sort of way too. The internet didn't come round until much later, so mischief was limited to the typical teenage rowdiness.  Knowledge and exposure come with it's vices. Somehow, i think we were better off with the little that we knew.  The sort of mischief kids get up to these days.....But anyways, it is foolish to lay idle pondering about why the old days are better than it is not wise to wonder about such mattersI think the challenge for today is intentionally creating even better memories of today, for tomorrow. the challenge.....

But sleep calls, and there really is no point to this post anyways. Though I do wonder what ever happened to that Lamide girl....

Night folks!

Friday, September 18, 2015

T.Notes #10: F*&#ing Karma

I used to think this happens only in rubbish Nollywood movies....
But the guy i used to look down on as the outcast kid is heading up the panel of Senior Execs in the interview I'm just about to walk into.
Karma must be having a proper laugh at my expense right now.

Monday, August 10, 2015

T.Notes #9: This post is not available

So apparently there's a mystery guy in the office who provides "solicited" oral favours to the ladies. The terms of engagement are such that the two persons involved cannot discuss details ever. All she said was that it starts off with a blank office email, agreed via sms and concluded on a random friday night with very little words spoken, only just the business. And he's apparently really really good.

Oh, and this is one of those posts that may be sensibly deleted in a few hours.

Thursday, July 16, 2015

T.Notes #8: Somewhere in the middle

When i was younger, i'd wait till everyone has retired to bed, so that I can creep back into the living room to enjoy the solitude of night - doing nothing except listening to soothing music and daydreaming away. I just realized today that not much has changed in that regard - except that it's harder to stay up late without the throbbing consequences to my mornings. However, on such quiet nights as these, I have found that there is great benefit to idle daydreaming along the corridors of graceful providence. I have this one giant notebook that has travelled with me across many journeys. I have scribbled countless late night dreams which i have woken up to on countless mornings to chase and pray hard after. But as with all of us, flipping through some of those pages feels like walking through a boulevard of broken dreams. I stopped asking silly questions like 'why me' sometime last year when i painfully realised that though i am privileged to view the world through my own singular perspective, it really does not revolve around me. So why not me? And neither does faith make me immune from any of the heartaches that we will all walk through at some point - it is how the cookie crumbles - hardly any one of us makes it through unscathed in some way. This may seem like an obviousness but you know how some truths become painfully real to you such that it seems like no one else had ever realized it. So i have quietly embraced every page of that notepad, soaring and painful hopes none withstanding. And like tonight, i do wince at some hopes that still seem so very far off and who knows, may never come to pass...#Quiet....But i also enthusiastically celebrate the priviledges in the dreams that i have stepped into and now breathe in every morning. I realised a transitioning in my faith recently which some may disagree with but which suits me just fine. It is this....I no longer position an argument for the existence of God in all of these madness. I find that instead, i am cluchting hard to one thin desperate and worn out shroud of what is left of my own faith, within which i am quietly hoping hard...for there to be a God...somewhere that'll make it all worth the while somehow and sometime. I love the audacity in the sensible truth that if Christ is not raised, then indeed, vain also is our preaching, and vain also your faith.

I am dreaming again tonight, being fully aware that not all dreams come true. But that's fine, because some do. And if the stars don't shine on this one, I'll dream yet another for tomorrow.

P.S......My comment responses may be slow but i do honestly collect every one and allow them lap gently against the lazy lakes of my meandering thoughts.

Have a good night folks....And if you found solidarity in any of my implied contexts, hang in there :)

T.Notes.....Still here.

Tuesday, July 14, 2015

T.Notes #7: About obsessions

I am an obsessive person - There i said it!
I pick something, anything and make it the object of my urgent sacriligious obsession.

I know when i am slowly slipping into that state, but i let it happen everytime.
And i won't let up until i have conquered it, and then when i do,  I get bored and move on.

It's like this ridiculous itch to constantly have a source of entertainment.
And i know it sounds horrendous, but I'll do it again tomorrow and the day after tomorrow.

The worst situation is when two obsessive people collide into each other's space. you know!

What are you obsessive about?

Wednesday, June 10, 2015

T.Notes #6: Riddle me....

What gives you ten minutes of utter pleasure,

followed by a whole day of self condescending guilt trip,

and then a potential lifetime of regret,

Yet you'd keep coming back for more.

Hint: It could begin at the click of a mouse.