People, we have a situation on hand! I will speed blog this; hope to make sense and get back to trying to sort out this mess!
My mobile alarm woke me up today at two p.m, with that sledgehammer hangover ‘ish feeling and no recollection of the previous night’s events - I already knew it wasn’t going to be a good day. I tried to reach over for the painkillers on the nearby table, but my movement was hindered by a curious weight on my chest. The weight stirred, lazily pulled some blond hair away from its face and smiled, “Hi Notes.”. I was confused.
“Do i know you?”
She giggled, and as she did, i observed she was stark naked, because her badonkadonk bounced rhythmically. “You’re funny T.” She replied lazily.
I noticed then that i was also naked. So my mind was clearing and quickly taking stock of a bad situation. There was a naked, very sexy Asian girl on my bad; the bed side table was littered with empty sachets of condom packs, meaning this mistake was premeditated; she was calling me T.Notes-which is bad, because drunken sex orgies should not awaken with either parties knowing each other’s name; and finally most important, it was two p.m and i very well remembered that i was scheduled to have a house call meeting with our youth pastor today at two. p.m- i had set the reminder two days ago.
“Uhmm...can you please get dressed.” I tried easing off from underneath her and my movement flipped her over, showing off more..of...that kazonkas heaven. Something i should not be viewing before a prayer meeting. Mena,I blame you for your hand in this. Mena advised me to join the local redeem church near to me. I did. Mena also advised me to loosen up abit this weekend, and i did. Now....Now, the door knocked and i cursed, “F*c!k F%c* F^ck!”
You know how they say when God finally decides to deal with your screw up; he will expose you and do you in nicely. I hurried off the bed and ofcourse heat-seeking love missile was not cooperating with the urgency of the situation. Down! down! down!- bad timing!(P.S, i could write a whole separate blog describing to you the heaveness of Mia’s nakedness and then you might understand!).
“Please, stay in bed!” I reiterated to a now suspicious looking Mia, as i slung on a pair of jeans, almost chocking Godzilla in the process. “Do not, leave the bed!”. I hurried out and went for the door. Pastor Isaac was waiting. He smiled. “Hello Brother S.”
The rest of what happened was pretty fast, and I am still reeling trying to comprehend it all. To summarize it all, Mia did not stay in bed. Mia assumed I was trying to corner off another woman, so she joined me by the door, insisted on seeing who I was trying to ward off MY OWN APPARTMENT, and in the process, (purposefully) flashed some of that heavens to...Pastor Isaac. Things went down hill thereafter. Pastor was livid. He swore, he cursed, he called me a wolf in sheep clothing, a possessed fornicator, a bastard. Then he lost his phonetics and cursed me in pidgin English, and then in thick igbo dialet. But you know,one thing rang in all that Pastor Isaac said to me this afternoon. He said I need deliverance, and I must start with myself. He said, I must expel the immoral brother (or maybe he meant I am expelled from the church- I’m not sure). But I interpret it to mean, I MUST EXPEL T.NOTES!
That scallywag swine, this whole thing is his fault, not mine! So, this is my public letter to T.Notes:
Enough is enough, you scumbag (apparently synonymous to a used condom!)! You have ruined my life well and fair enough, and now, i must expel you like pastor Isaac has adviced! T.Notes is not me. T.Notes is like Beyonce’s sasha fierce, except that he’s not even getting me any record or book deals worth all his meandering with my life! He’s taking over everything like a virus. Nobody knows me anymore, they only know T.Notes. In school, it’s T.Notes, in the club, it’s T.Notes. On twitter, the same scumbag. Every where I try to start something productive and positive, he rears his ugly head and takes over! This is not the first time that i am waking up wasted and trying hard not to remember what I had gotten up to the previous night. And trust me, that has been the least of the problems. So, T.Notes, i am writing this here, because i know that you will return when i am off to productive honest work. I want the whole world to know you for the menace that you have become before i shut your lights finally for good. We’re done men! Done done done! Your days are numbered now. This is your quit notice, so start packing.
And whilst you’re at it getting your mess cleared off my life, kindly tell Mia not to bother calling me back. If you can afford it, go get your own blackberry. Looser!
S.(the real owner of this blog). Jeez, i need some panadol and What do you think I should do about Pastor Isaac?