Saturday, April 9, 2011

How to kill a mocking blogg. (911, PLEASE READ!)

People, we have a situation on hand! I will speed blog this; hope to make sense and get back to trying to sort out this mess!

My mobile alarm woke me up today at two p.m, with that sledgehammer hangover ‘ish feeling and no recollection of the previous night’s events - I already knew it wasn’t going to be a good day. I tried to reach over for the painkillers on the nearby table, but my movement was hindered by a curious weight on my chest. The weight stirred, lazily pulled some blond hair away from its face and smiled, “Hi Notes.”. I was confused.

“Do i know you?”
She giggled, and as she did, i observed she was stark naked, because her badonkadonk bounced rhythmically. “You’re funny T.” She replied lazily.

I noticed then that i was also naked. So my mind was clearing and quickly taking stock of a bad situation. There was a naked, very sexy Asian girl on my bad; the bed side table was littered with empty sachets of condom packs, meaning this mistake was premeditated; she was calling me T.Notes-which is bad, because drunken sex orgies should not awaken with either parties knowing each other’s name; and finally most important, it was two p.m and i very well remembered that i was scheduled to have a house call meeting with our youth pastor today at two. p.m- i had set the reminder two days ago.

“Uhmm...can you please get dressed.” I tried easing off from underneath her and my movement flipped her over, showing off more..of...that kazonkas heaven. Something i should not be viewing before a prayer meeting. Mena,I blame you for your hand in this. Mena advised me to join the local redeem church near to me. I did. Mena also advised me to loosen up abit this weekend, and i did. Now....Now, the door knocked and i cursed, “F*c!k F%c* F^ck!”

You know how they say when God finally decides to deal with your screw up; he will expose you and do you in nicely. I hurried off the bed and ofcourse heat-seeking love missile was not cooperating with the urgency of the situation. Down! down! down!- bad timing!(P.S, i could write a whole separate blog describing to you the heaveness of Mia’s nakedness and then you might understand!).

“Please, stay in bed!” I reiterated to a now suspicious looking Mia, as i slung on a pair of jeans, almost chocking Godzilla in the process. “Do not, leave the bed!”. I hurried out and went for the door. Pastor Isaac was waiting. He smiled. “Hello Brother S.”

The rest of what happened was pretty fast, and I am still reeling trying to comprehend it all. To summarize it all, Mia did not stay in bed. Mia assumed I was trying to corner off another woman, so she joined me by the door, insisted on seeing who I was trying to ward off MY OWN APPARTMENT, and in the process, (purposefully) flashed some of that heavens to...Pastor Isaac. Things went down hill thereafter. Pastor was livid. He swore, he cursed, he called me a wolf in sheep clothing, a possessed fornicator, a bastard. Then he lost his phonetics and cursed me in pidgin English, and then in thick igbo dialet. But you know,one thing rang in all that Pastor Isaac said to me this afternoon. He said I need deliverance, and I must start with myself. He said, I must expel the immoral brother (or maybe he meant I am expelled from the church- I’m not sure). But I interpret it to mean, I MUST EXPEL T.NOTES!

That scallywag swine, this whole thing is his fault, not mine! So, this is my public letter to T.Notes:



Enough is enough, you scumbag (apparently synonymous to a used condom!)! You have ruined my life well and fair enough, and now, i must expel you like pastor Isaac has adviced! T.Notes is not me. T.Notes is like Beyonce’s sasha fierce, except that he’s not even getting me any record or book deals worth all his meandering with my life! He’s taking over everything like a virus. Nobody knows me anymore, they only know T.Notes. In school, it’s T.Notes, in the club, it’s T.Notes. On twitter, the same scumbag. Every where I try to start something productive and positive, he rears his ugly head and takes over! This is not the first time that i am waking up wasted and trying hard not to remember what I had gotten up to the previous night. And trust me, that has been the least of the problems. So, T.Notes, i am writing this here, because i know that you will return when i am off to productive honest work. I want the whole world to know you for the menace that you have become before i shut your lights finally for good. We’re done men! Done done done! Your days are numbered now. This is your quit notice, so start packing.

And whilst you’re at it getting your mess cleared off my life, kindly tell Mia not to bother calling me back. If you can afford it, go get your own blackberry. Looser!

Signed
S.(the real owner of this blog). Jeez, i need some panadol and What do you think I should do about Pastor Isaac?

21 comments:

  1. omg omg omg!! thats crazy hey!! u need to get ur act together lol. i feel bad for u though, pele :)

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  2. It is a bad situation yeah? but i did laugh a tiny little bit because i imagined the whole scene. Jeez! the pastor swore? He can't expel you from church. He coulda told you to pray and would pray with you. Thank God you used protection. Just calm down, it would blow over. Be careful though.

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  3. OMGosh, T Notes is a wild one isn't he? And poor Mia, she must have felt awful. Meanwhile when you have the time, we would like to now the gory details.....hehehe hehehehehehehehehehheehj

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  4. LOL.... After all the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak... Could it be that Pastor Isaac was really annoyed because Mia (purposely) flashed some goodies for him?

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  5. rotflmao..........at least ur trying hard to stop, its not easy to stop a habit, or learn a new one. u'll get there.

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  6. Laughed really hard at pastor Isaac swearing and all...as in the man really lost his cool.
    Quick question: I hear them chinko chick are always clingy, how true???

    If S is the real owner of the blog, what will happen to T.Notes...Biko me I like T.Notes oh, but would not be bad to know more of S.

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  7. I hear you !
    Blame the doer not the instigator!
    How you?
    Its been a while..
    Take care..

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  8. lol...T.Notes oooo...u no go kill pelzin!

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  9. I don't believe a single word!!!

    If this is really true, tell the so-called Asian girl to give me a call ....

    mschewww!!! ....lol

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  10. Dear T.notes, not the original blog owner, I mean T.notes the bad ass, get outta this man's life lol.
    Its very hard to fight with one's inner self. By the way, I don't get how the post title relate with the whole story. They're like two different things, to me though. Hope you get T.notes out of your life LWKMD.

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  11. We hereby join our hands and bow our heads in prayers as we cast T.Notes out! LOL

    Meanwhile, u had better start thinking of how to keep Mia away before she starts claiming u thruout the entire school.

    BTW, you've not heard the last from Pastor Isaac... be prepared!

    Did I spoil ur day with my analysis??? Sorry T.Notes um um err... i meant S.

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  12. S, pastor Isaac isn't your main concern- not like he can get u to heaven... don't worry about him- figure urself out 1st. or are u only embarrassed cos u got caught by the clergy? or are u really fed up by the sitch? is all this fiction for blogville entertainment? dunno... but just thot to take this a tad seriously. take care...

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  13. My sister, you so nutty o, is it for real sha?

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  14. I want to say good luck with your plan, but hey, nothing should touch T-notes sha.

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  15. Ok o,thank you all very much,but comments will no longer be received on this post anymore!Haba,na who you dey give work to be replying all these comments!Anytime i open the page and venture to start trying,depression go overwhelm me! So,believing that we have pegged comments henceforth,let us now put some closure on this topic. Ese,thank you!

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  16. @Kitkat: Awww,thank you love.I do promise you that i am well on track towards getting myself together. You will see proof of that soon.

    @Lily:Uhmm,do tell,which bits of the juicy scene was finest in your imagination.Me and my sturdy six-pack right?You know girl!!!

    @Mamuje: T.Notes is a damned one,that's what he is!And as per deets,you NAUGHTY you, i'm inviting you to church!!!

    @OoohJay:Lol.Could it be that you'd appreciate Mia flashing some goodies for you too mate?!Hahah!Thanx for dropping by.

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  17. @Kiky: Albeit you laughing at the situation,thanx love.Give me some tips on habit quitting will ya?

    @Coolest Lara:Lets talk no more about chinco chics jor!!!As per knowing more of S,hmmm,i'm sure we can arrange something.Me,You,transatlantic dinner date,let's discuss!*wink*wink*Lara's just the coolest! y'all!

    22222CUTEEEEEEEE...WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?!!!

    @Sisi Yemmie:More like,i no go kill myself!

    @Musco: For Mia to chic to call you,it's not gonna happen sir!!!I can't trust you with any woman again!Look how you stole YN's love from me!lol!!!

    Meeen nawa o..me i don tire oo!!!

    @T.Boy: Hey Mate.First time seeing you around this little corner.Thanx for dropping by!As per post title,well,i figured i'd exercise blog owner's freedom to give any title he likes uh?!Lol!But hey,to kill a mocking blogg,like to kill an outta control blogg,or sumthin like that??Abeg,english is not my father's language,i just dey try.

    Staring hard into @P.E.T's sexy eyes with a goofy smile:You can analyse away love. You know I absolutely do not mind!And yes,we can also retreat to a quiet place to continue with the "casting out" prayers!lol!

    @chinny: Now,your concern,i honestly and seriously do appreciate.Thank you.I can assure you however that all is well on this side of the screen. Thanx.Loves.

    @YankeeNaijaBabe: Let's define real.

    @Myne: And the final word of authority goes to you!!!Nothing shall indeed touch T.Notes-we hope!!!

    @Beuatiful:You've been A-W-O-L!!!What's up??And so few words?*wink*You know i'm still 300% head over heels for you!

    Relief!Done!!!Thank you!!!!I'm not sure i want to put up any conclusion to this episode.Lets just leave it as water gone under the bridge uh?!

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  18. If you like, put padlock on the comments box. I will still say my own.

    Thank God this blog does not belong to T.notes. Is that how he would have closed shop after you exorcised him?
    Na wa o.

    If pastor Isaac likes, he should vex and vex. what is done is done. We hope you enjoyed the session? *wink wink*

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  19. Heeeen?

    Heeeeeeeeen?


    which Mena advised you ginni?

    *pours incantantion and recite libation*

    Well well well, I cant advise you until I know what and what you did or didnt do with Mia. I also think that is what Pastor should have done. For all he knows you guys could have been doing night vigil na! Yes ke!

    Mena

    p.s *sorry for coming so late, was off blogspot*

    p.p.s: so should I conclude by your comment on http://efemenaoreoluwa.blogspot.com/2011/04/you-deserve-to-be-sexually-assaulted.html that you are saying you would have raped the sexy man in the second photo? just hasking ooo

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  20. Hahaha! Is this a real story? Lol. Please oh, banish that alter ego, except on blogger

    Adiya

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