Wednesday, July 20, 2011

So when do you get married anyways? (A blatantly honest post)

This note is borne out of being awake at one p.m due to a wandering mind that will not let be. Hence, it may have no structure – as typical of many other t.notes. The crux of my question is, when does a man get married? As in seriously.

I have realized alot of things during this past one year. One of them is the plain fact that i spent the whole of my previous years in lagos cooking up excuses to fleet away from the whole cabal of marital life. It was, after i get a better job, after i finish my professional exams, after i get a bigger appartment, up until the best and last one – “after i’ve gotten a masters from an FT ranked Business school.” Well it all worked so far until this moment where i am tidying up my dissertation to submit, and the question is coming back to bite me in the ass. Only that this time, i have clearly run out of bright ideas. When does a guy get married anyways?

I accept the fact that the audacity of this post and my obviously underlying reticence from the institution of marriage might maybe be ironic, even a seeming spit on the face to many women who are doing best to deal with the depression imposed by parents and peers who keep badgering them with the opposite end of the question in their own right of ‘when will you find a man and settle down?!” Dunno, maybe in my own honesty, i might provide a hint of clue to the other side of the coin from the man’s perspective. Or maybe all of this will still not make sense...All of that withstanding, frankly,as per this subject,i would admitt that life may not be so fair to female liberty there. The thought of waiting for some man to make himself as some chivalric heroe that deems himself fit to come and sweep me off my feet and whisk me away from the endless badgering into his two-bit home as his wife & property...make me shudder!#justsaying.

As i have said earlier, the past one year has been a pandora’s box of learning curves for me, as day in day out, i faced up to the worst of me, like i many times poured out into these pages. I do not reject any of my experiences, even as of the ones i repent of. I point this out to highlight my most recent excuse to the question of this post, which i coined thus: I will get married after i have tasted the company of as many and as diverse of women as possibly can! I justified it as some kind of King Solomon’s irony (read your Bible if unaware). So as i did best to fleet away from the question that will not let be, i spent countless hours indulging countless, many times meaningless chats with some amazing women(giving kudos where it is due). Hopped buses and trains for dates in the weirdest of places we could think of...Enjoyed the wonder of starting off blind chats to the exciting trepidation of finally meeting the other person at the end of the screen...Been in beds with some...(rather ahemm interesting) women, and in this particular process, earning myself a funny reputation of being that guy who gets a woman half naked, then hops off the bed with some mumbled excuse before hurrying out of the room. As i recall many of these instances, i can only SMH, with a tinge of LOL, and evil smirk. I point out non-regret, because my intentions in all have remained noble, i have not put anybody in any compromising position (fact), no durex satchets were harmed during any of these escapades, and have neither broken any willing hearts. Still all part of the learning, i told myself...but still i have not answered the underlying question. And as a friend of mine quoted recently on is no use investing your hard spent life in someone you are not going to commit too—it is bad investment. Is it?

The question bit harder over this weekend as i headed out to a reunion resort trip with a bunch of old friends. On my way i passed by musco’s town, called him up as usual, (See i am ever so faithful to that man) but as usual, he didn’t pick up his phone. (Later he’ll be preaching to me. I wonder what he’s always doing sef!). Anyways, the jarring point of the weekend shinding was me finding myself the centerpoint of same ole ruddy question- since i was apparently the last of the pack still purposefully riding the crest of bachelorhood with no seeming indication of nearing any formal commitment. T.Notes man, what are you waiting for?! When are gonna get married?! I replied every of the question with xteristic humour, cynic cut-backs, sarcasms and many a evil winks. I thought i did pretty well as i caught the train back to base at the end of it all, except that their evil deed was already done, leaving the seed of the question properly sold and spawning within me – badgering throughout the three hour train trip.

I will continue the rest of these meandering thoughts back in bed. Trip was long and i am tired, but i will leave with these final thoughts....I know that i hate the idea of allowing my life to become normal and predictable, hence i refuse to make a commitment. I know that i selfishly covert my freedom too much to want to give it away to the bounds of marital commitment. I know that i am scarred of getting old and i hold a thought that once i get married and one kid pops, then i am on the fast track to retirement. I know that i struggle way too hard with too many of my evil devices, so i wonder how i will ever forever remain faithfull to one person. I know that i despice all of the paparazzi that Nigerians have made the whole of marriage become. I hate the jamboree, the attention, the glitz...please let be! I just see it as, if i am going to give in and do this, i know it might be a hard road ahead when i consider all of my devices, but i know that i would want to give the best to the person i commit to, i know that i have my moral wits around me. So i would opt for a quiet union in London, and face the rest of the ordeal in quietness and help from God! I fear that when they make a big deal out of the whole wedding thing, two weeks afterwards, i might decide that, babe, ehmm,this thing ain’t working ooo!!!So all that said, when and how could i possibly get married?!!When will i wake up and finally ‘get it’! Will that ‘moment’ ever come?

Musco asked me recently that, what’s so special about Tz anyways, is she so breathtaking such that i am stupidly willing to risk all of the common sense of all i have spent years of lives building?! The answer to that question may be relevant here. I can’t get married to Tz, (lol) she’s too wild at heart. But recently, we sat down and casually discussed marriage and as i guessed, i found her listing for herself every one of my own mis-inclinations/reasons not to get married. She wasn’t being callous or racey...instead she had the similar distant reflective look that i have right now casually typing these words, as she finished off finally looking my way and concluding...why should i get married T—however ways we consider it, it’s not going to end well - someone will just end of getting hurt. Give me good reason that stands, and i will get married.

In as much as this is a personal reflection...if you are reading (as i would be sometime in the near future), understand that I do not conclude out of arrogance, but out of frank wonder and quietness.

Good night...jeez i am tired!

P.S: Arike, i cannot seem to be able to access you blog URL. if you could paste it into a reply,would love to hop into your soup soon!


  1. Last night, I had almost the same conversation with the supposed didn't go down well at all, blog-snooping and I find this new post about fears to get married.

    I'm damned scared of getting married!

    ....but do we have a choice?

  2. At Musco: That is exactly my point!!!Has it come down to getting married simply bcos 'we don't have a choice'...there ought to be a finer motivation!lol!

  3. Weell, If you cant't find any reason to get married, then don't!

    Or is there pressure from some quarters to do so?

  4. Musco, yes you have a choice.
    A choice to devote your time to your career and any/every other thing that tickles your fancy.

    A choice to excel at every other thing and not make yourself, your partner and the kids that 'may' be produced miserable.

    A choice to be celebate and do other exploits (think Pope John Paul)

    BUT THEN...

    Why pass on the chance of companionship for the rest of ur life...

    Carefully seasoned soup on the stove when after a tough day u drag in ur weary feet?

    The chance to turn the house your hard earned money's paying for into a home?

    The possibilty of a listening ear, a caring/loving heart, a shoulder to share the burden...

  5. There's no 'right' time to get married, other than that time when you're sure you've found the one you want to run the race, jump the hurdles and crawl throught the tunnel of life with!

    Its a personal decision... just as u arent, ur 'supposed' soulmate wont be perfect but u'll embark on the journey only after u're sure u're ready to accept their imperfections

    Age in not a determinant of the timing, neither is family/peer pressure. When u're certain u know WHO YOU ARE, WHO YOU WANT and you find her and she's willing, then make the move...

    Unfortunately, after all is said and done, marriage is still not for everyone!

  6. You get married when you are ready to get married. Simples.

    Dont let societal expectations pressurize you into making a lifetime commitement you're not ready for.

    However, i must say that it appears there's some unresolved commitment issues lurking in there somewhere.....

    Maybe you sholud address that, and then move on.

  7. Marriage is not for everyone.

    I honestly thought I would never get married. When I was younger, I was very career focused and a bit of a tomboy. To be honest, I felt marriage was a waste of time AND it led to women compromising too much - 'losing' themselves in their role as mother/wife/carer

    However, when I met my hubby, I knew this was someone I had to be with.....

    So, if the person is will not want to lose her to someone else.

  8. a song comes to mind... "when will you marry? this year, next year..." i think it was Julius Agwu fooling around in the studio!!! hehehe

    You will be fine...

  9. There is no right time to get married...marriage is not for everyone and why the hell can I relate to this post.

    I am damn scared of getting married.

  10. So the answer you've been looking for is "when you find her". It doesn't depend on when you're done with all the things you carved out for yourself. Seriously it shouldn't, when you see your wife, all you'll want to do is get married. That being said, I feel so sorry for this your certain company of 'lab rats'.

    In as much as I'd want to say that you should focus on the things that are important to you and forget about that until when the time is right, I still want to say that I hope you find her soon though 'cos it seems it has become a disturbing thought for you. All the best with that!