Saturday, October 25, 2014

14:14: The #HusbandHustle and the incredible Funmi Reese




Last Friday 7:30am, my dear friend Funmi sauntered into the office, flopped into her desk space, and flashed a gobsmackingly huge shimmering rock in my face, with a toothy grin that declared: ‘Mission accomplished!’ And I concluded with earnest awe, never to doubt a black woman on a mission.

Three months ago, about 9:45pm, just before heading home, and after slaving her twenty-ninth birthday away amidst frustrating spreadsheets and financial reports, Funmi had calmly said to me. ‘T.Notes, I’m ready for an upgrade’. She dragged my chair into her own work area and within ten minutes, drafted out an insane life-planner with the end product of acquiring a boyfriend within one month, getting engaged within three months, and getting married before the end of this year, 2014.Ambitious much?

Now, my friend Funmi is an incredible person. She is super smart; she’s an amazing office-space buddy and she is also super nerdy. That is why we get along. Funmi’s head holds daily updates of interest rates across trading hubs in five major cities - that is how bad Funmi is. But I will be honest, that’s all I saw Funmi as - my super-reliable desk mate with the brains of a financial encyclopaedia. So, as far as I was concerned, unless all of the hosts of heaven had some curious interest in the need for Funmi to get hitched within three months…I only indulged her life-planner that day out of friendly courtesy. So I said a cheerful but very casual amen to her lofty ambitions.

In fact, I remember going home that night with a brief thought of how annoying the odds must be for someone like Funmi. Knowing that she deserved the best, yet would have to do battle against the odds in a world that had become a crazed man-hunt with contenders that were clearly above her league. I have female friends and family who are typically everything a sensible man would want in a woman, but for some reason none was biting. I ruefully thought to myself, ‘Join the boat hun.’ And that’s before even considering the twerkers and the red nose’rs doing critical damage to the righteous expectations of a normal man. I wished Funmi well, with a lot of scepticism.

But I started to doubt my own cynicism when Funmi showed up to work on the Monday morning and Guhua spilled coffee all over his desk. It was like Funmi had crawled away into her financial spreadsheets that last Friday night, and had somehow morphed into this…this…somebody that made our very religious Guhua completely loose his composure that morning. Funmi had ditched the usual flat soles for 6inch high-heeled, patent-black striking boots that demanded attention with every step she took. It appeared that something must have also gone wrong…or very right, with her dry-cleaning, because somehow her regular skirts span had shrunk to such lengths that reminded me of my grandmother’s fervent declarations of Psalms 24 - lift up your heads on ye gates, oh be lifted up ye ancient doors!

Hold on sef! For emphasis, let’s do that properly like how momma used to do it. E gbe ori yin soke, eyin enu-ona. Ki a si gbe yin soke eyin ileku aye-raye. Come on!!! Ok, I did a quick google scroll. But you get the point. And so whilst Guhua had been rendered to fumbling attempts to unglue his eyes from Funmi’s very distracting and revealing thighs, I maintained a more distinguished focus on Funmi’s hair which was now all glossy and bouncy like some Coco-sheen commercial. And her low neckline shoulder-stringed camisole with transparent detail…no one should even be dressed like that in a professional environment. In summary, Funmi was not joking around.

Funmi is a case study, because I entirely agreed that her transformation had caused her intended ripple, or tidal wave to be precise. Her work space suddenly got very busy from that Monday. By midday, her outlook calendar was booked full with raunchy old men suddenly needing to have one-to-one solo meetings with her. It was all very…unbelievable. This was afterall, Funmi, nerdy encyclopaedia Funmi! So l stepped in to do the rightful big-brotherly job of pointing out to her that she was going about things the wrong way! *All wrong, wrong, wrong*! I gathered all my wisdom together and gave her a sharp lecture about how the sorts of men taking this sudden interest in her were clearly only interested in her…external motivations. *All wrong, wrong, wrong, I said to her*! Because there was certainly a whole lot more to Funmi than an easy pair of distracting cleavage. I told her she was selling herself short! She listened to me quietly, then calmly told me to shut up, mind my business and face my Quants.

To sum things up, this is how the things went down. I quickly lost my good ole lunch buddy. *Wrong, wrong, wrong*! I soon stopped asking if Funmi was free for our good lazy lunches at the local jazz hole. On Mondays, Funmi was meeting up with some random James, Kunle or Otis. On Tuesdays, her whatsapp was already buzzing by 11:30; on Wednesdays, she was receiving confirmations for table for two dinner bookings. Random strangers were now chatting her up on the tubes and exchanging digits…and such was the life. And all of this happened within a couple of weeks. The transformation was otherworldly but the #husbandhustle was real, and I almost started to detest this very intentional stranger.

But they say the end justifies the means yeah? And that’s how Funmi has always been. She’s a go-getter, a strategist, an unyielding hothead. Funmi is the kind of analyst who presents a single view recommendation, unlike the rest of us mortals who provide options 1,2,3 and 4 and try to convince the world that either option 1...or...2 may be the best option. But not Funmi. Funmi does her research, aligns her steps towards her intentions and gets the singular result she was after from the very beginning. #NoWastingTime. But that’s always been all good and dandy from the professional stand-point. You shouldn’t approach serious matters such as marriage like any other Funmi-firebrand project, right yeah?! Or, why not?

But last Friday, I watched my hot-head friend settle into her desk, with that massive engagement ring literally blinding me as she calmly refreshed her previous life-planner and started re-working it into a wedding plan. I do not get it. But nonetheless, I take back my previously ignorant words and bite my own tongue here to publicly acknowledge that people like Funmi, are beyond any doubt, simply legends. Yes, there i said it. Satisfied?

All that said, my blog review for this month is the incredible Funmi Reese, whom you should zippy over to check out her page, particularly if you might be interested in the full details of how to snag an engagement ring in three months. Here is my subtle disclaimer. Given that Funmi is quite a popular name, if you happen to know the one I have referred to here, and she stylishly denies your questions, just wink three times and tell her T.Notes sent you.

*P.S: This is a long post, so I have not done my edit due-diligence, so excuse any errors. I am not likely to be correcting them any time soon. Lol!*


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Intro: The 14-for-14 challange by Janyl. (Click here to familiarize yourelf with the '14 for 14 challenge'). I recently accepted this challenge to go on a quest searching for brand new blogs...with the bull-headed conviction that all creativty is not lost within the nigeria-blogsphere. And also desperate to prove that, contrary to recently popular opinion, not all of the new blog pages are uninteresting (to put it mildly). This is my ninth post into that journey.


31 comments:

  1. I enjoyed reading this! Off to check out her page.

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  3. Waoh! You are really a master of prose. Se
    Team #nowastingtime jare.
    She seems like my kind of person.
    Someone once said to me "God help who or what you want".lol.
    Thanks a lot.

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    1. Funmi You know T-Notes? goddamnbullshit, shit just got real... but how... for the little we know, T-Notes is not even in Nigeria, but... I dont get... oh welll... issorait. Someday we might all get to understand, or maybe not... this is some real Enigma, aswear. I hope it was Oga Abuja that gave us the ring oooo...

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    2. Hahaha! Inspector Duru hard on the case!
      Yes I do know Funmi! Lool.

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  4. Damn, the struggle is real. What does that say about guys though that a woman has to prance around in "fuckme" heels to get attention?

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    1. Fuckme heels....Well thanks Juwon, everytime i see an innocent woman in high heels these days, that phrase someone finds a way of creeping into my innocent idle thoughts.

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    2. Btw, did you turn off your comments?

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  5. Okayyyy Oga Boss T-Notes, i am a bit confused by this post... I know Funmi, verrrryyy wellll... ehm Funmi is in Nigeria, and you are not, and yet you guys work together??. i dont get, but i wont try to understand this Enigma any further...

    Its amazing how the struggle for a first name is tough here in Africa, we hear ladies do all sorts just for an exchange of the first name, and just to bear the formidable title of Mrs... To me oga boss, this is more of a turn off, than a lead on, but like in the case of Funmi Reese where it sort of played out to her favour, who are my to question the tactics of a determined, sexy plus smart lady. Cheers sir.

    P.S: The 14 for 14 series is soon to be over, and my i have that ambivalent feeling already... It has been a good run sir.

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    1. I know right!!!
      Haha...the 14:14 hustle has been real bro! I'll be happy to down the 'pen' in december!!! Looool!!!! I'll think twice next time b4 signing up to another challenge!

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  6. Em! Wait oh! Guys! Duru at least we have talked on phone in Naija. And I am a lawyer so you should have guessed/known that I wasn't the one.
    I took it as fiction with the protagonist bearing my name,or maybe a true story where he used my name cos he was reviewing my blog.
    Anyway he will come clear it up. I am sure I haven't mentioned any ring in any of my posts.And I am sure I am in Nigeria.

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    1. Are you really really sure Funmmi?! *wink*

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    2. Lmao...T. notes, you are just an amazing person.. Na by force?

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  7. ha ha! Funmi on some 'aunty Funmi hair' game plan.

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    1. Ha ha! You couldn't have summed it up any better!
      Thanks for dropping by Joy!

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  9. Followed a link on Funmi Reese's blog. Nice writing style. Vivid picture painted. Will be back.

    Meanwhile, been trying to convince her to post her picture for a while but she is still forming "Anonymous Blogger". Lol. Can u help a brother out, T? :))

    Harper

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    1. Thanks Annon!!!
      As for the picture, challenge accepted bro. I'll work on it!

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  10. Now that is some husband hustle down there.
    I am guessing this is fiction, maybe I am wrong but then again ladies do anything to get the Mrs title.

    www.molarabrown.com

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  11. I thought this was true at first but it's good to know that it's fiction. I doubt that one can truly know a person's character in 3 months. There's bound to be trouble down the line if courtship isn't done right. That's my 2 cents

    http://tukesquest.blogspot.com/

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    1. I think you shouldn't be too quick to conclude, on matters of fiction, or on matters of the time it takes for feelings to mature.
      However, yes, for the typical scenerio, i would agree with you.

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  12. blessings.....
    hmmmmm......
    I'd be careful with a 3 month engagement soon to be nuptuals - could me marrying Dr Jekyll Mr Hyde. Then again 3 year courtship doesn't guarantee anything either.

    nice read......keep it up

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    1. Exactly Rhapsody. 3 years, 5years courtship, does not necessarily give a guarantee either.
      Thanks for dropping by Rhapsody :)

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    2. Blessings...
      just popped in to wish you a splendid week.

      peace.

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  13. Really enjoyed reading
    T.Notes, great job as always :)

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  14. Tnotes!!! Lol you sure have a way with words... Got me wondering about this your wonder woman "seat partner"! Off to discover the real Funmi Reese and her blog *tongue out*

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  15. Oga Boss... This is me carrying an invisible placard and singing.. All we are sayiinnggggg.. Give us new post.. Lmao! how are you sir?

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  16. You've done it again as you always have; getting me to grin sheepishly while nodding my head to the words that escape your mind

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